


When You're Gone

by vogue91



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band), Kis-My-Ft2 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Flashbacks, Hurt, M/M, Memories, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 17:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14430243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I have no intention of being a replacement forever, remember that.”“I will learn to love you, Yu. You just need to give me some time.”





	When You're Gone

_Yuta basked in the sheets._

_It was a weird feeling, that._

_He wasn’t used to sleeping in a bed that wasn’t his own, he wasn’t used to wake up smelling that sharp scent in the air, he wasn’t used to..._

_He sighed, closing his eyes once again and holding the pillow tight against himself._

_He heard Kazuya singing softly under the shower, and that at least made him smile._

_It was the little things that made him go on, those little things that still made him smile and feel good, those little things that didn’t let him feel the reject he actually was._

_He loved him, and he just wanted for that suffocating feeling to go away._

_He wanted to wake up every morning inside that bed, going to look for the elder, be hugged and kissed and feeling good just because of that._

_The mere fact of being unable to do so made him feel incredibly useless, incredibly pathetic._

_And even worse made him feel the thought of having accepted this like it was the most natural thing in the world._

Yuta woke up early, that morning.

His bed had never felt less comfortable than in the past months.

Tiredly, he sat up, he got off the bed and went to the kitchen to make coffee.

He breathed in deeply out of a reflex, searching for a smell that hadn’t been in his house for a long time now.

He leant against the kitchen’s counter, bringing a hand to his face and wishing he could go back to sleep, that he didn’t have to wake up anymore, that he wasn’t forced to pretend with himself that everything was fine.

He sighed, again.

Lately it seemed like sighing was everything he could do.

And try not to cry, of course, but that was the part he wanted to forget.

He’d rather keep looking at himself from behind that mirror he had put between the part of himself that holed himself up in that house and that which got out of the door and kept on living.

Tamamori was tired.

Tired to wake up in the morning and realize that things never changed.

 

_“Yuta?”_

_“What?”_

_There was always something out of place in Tamamori’s voice when he talked to him, he realized that on his own pretty well._

_It was submissive, he waited for the elder to tell him what to do and what he wanted from him, and he wouldn’t have dreamt of going against his wishes._

_Yuta had always blamed his nineteen years, the fact that he had always seen Kamenashi as unreachable, and that now that he actually had him he wasn’t willing to misstep and drive him away._

_He had given up on himself to be with him, and didn’t even know whether the elder realized that or not._

_“Nothing. I was looking at you and I felt like calling your name.” Kazuya replied, smiling and getting closer, kissing him with urge, touching him, managing as usual to make him forget what was wrong in that unhealthy relationship, making him feel like staying in that bed with him for the rest of his life, to hell with everything else, because until he was there nothing mattered anymore._

_But it never lasted long, and Tamamori started too early being tired of living this way._

_He wished he had the strength to leave, the strength to tell Kame he wasn’t going to come back there anymore, but as much as he tried he knew it was a lost cause._

_He was going to stay. He always did._

Coming back home. Yes, perhaps coming back home was what made him feel the worst.

Finding that home empty, thinking he had to go to sleep again and again wake up to start with that vicious circle another time.

He kept looking around to look for any sign of his passage, before remembering and regretting that he had erased them all in a moment of rage, before remembering that amongst those walls there was no trace anymore of the existence of Kamenashi Kazuya.

He thought back about the day he had gotten home and thrown away everything that reminded him of the elder, he thought about how it had made him feel sick, stupid.

And he laughed about himself a little, because if he had stopped and thought that day, things would’ve been different.

He was about to unwillingly fix something up for dinner, when he heard his phone ringing.

He read Fujigaya’s name on the display and smiled sadly, shaking his head.

He didn’t feel like it. He didn’t want to hear his concerned voice, asking whether he was good, to hear suggestions about doing something together to get distracted.

He didn’t want to get distracted; and even if he had, he knew he wasn’t going to manage that, and he didn’t want to spend the night pretending to be alright just to ease the mind of those worrying about him.  

He did that enough during the day, and had had enough of that act to even think of carrying it on even longer.

He had put himself in that situation, he had chosen to be in pain, he had chosen to throw away his whole life to live it for someone who, in the end, didn’t deserve him.

And the thought that, had he had the chance to go back in time, he would’ve done the exact same things, made him feel even worse about himself.

Kame had been like a drug to him for too long, and now he had nor the means nor the will to detox from his presence in his life.

 

_“I have no intention of being a replacement forever, remember that.”_

_Tamamori put no confidence in his words, and perhaps that was his mistake._

_He talked and talked, he gathered up enough courage to tell Kamenashi how things were, and in the end his voice always betrayed him, and told the elder that he wasn’t for real, that he could’ve kept playing with him as he pleased._

_And Kame did, because he didn’t even realize how bad he made him feel._

_“I will learn to love you, Yu. You just need to give me some time.”_

_Yuta already knew, he was never going to learn to give him what he wanted._

_But he lied to himself, he kept believing him because he needed it, and because he couldn’t afford to lose him, not when with him he had so much at stake._

_Kazuya didn’t love him, but he had decided it didn’t matter._

_What mattered, was that the elder kept lying to him._

_What mattered was that he kept calling him whenever he wanted, telling him he needed him, that it was him he wanted to see, and no one else._

_And Tamamori couldn’t sleep at night, but not getting any sleep next to the man he loved was still better than nothing._

He laid down on the mattress, sighing.

He kept changing side of the bed every night, still looking for the warmth of Kazuya’s skin, looking for his scent, almost surprised that it wasn’t there.

He grabbed his phone, calling his number and listening to his voice on the answering machine, then he called again, and again, and again.

He already knew he wasn’t going to answer, but listening to that voice made him feel better, made him feel more at ease than he would’ve been otherwise.

He missed Kazuya.

He missed him horribly.

He had desired for him to disappear, to get out of his life, so many times that when it had actually happened he had felt like emptied of his presence, as if it hadn’t happened, as if he was still with him.

As if he was still alive, and he still had the chance to have him back.

Yuta kept still on the mattress, closing his eyes and surrendering to the fact that this night, just like the ones to come, would’ve been spent alone.

There was nothing tying him to Kazuya anymore.

Just the fragmented memories of a one-sided relationship, and the regret of not having the chance to find out if one day the elder would’ve truly learnt to love him like he wanted him to.

Or maybe not knowing was better, so he could keep deluding himself forever, like he had always done.

 

_“Kazu?”_

_“Yes, Yu?”_

_Tamamori bit his lip, smiling embarrassed._

_“I love you.”_

_“I know, kid. I know.”_

_Kame held him close, hugging him, caressing him, and the younger couldn’t hate him because he never answered to that, because in those hugs he felt Kame’s need of reciprocating that was never fulfilled, and he knew how much he suffered for the fact of not being able to love him._

_It was enough for him, after all, knowing he tried._

_“Can I stay tonight?” he asked, holding his breath waiting for an answer he already knew._

_“Of course you can stay. You know you can be here as much as you like, right?”_

_It was true, he could do as he pleased._

_He could choose whether to stay or leave, he could choose whether to come back to him or telling him a definitive goodbye, he could choose whether to keep hurting himself or finding the courage to get out of that door and never coming back, facing the fact that things were never going to be like he wanted them to._

_Tamamori could choose whatever he wanted, but he hardly ever made the right choice._

Yuta was done.

Off, erased, emptied.

When they had told him Kazuya had died, it had been like a switch inside of him had clicked, erasing everything that had happened to him to that point in his life, making him feel like he was falling down toward a bottom he still couldn’t see.

He hadn’t gotten a choice in that.

Just like he couldn’t choose to recover from what had happened, like he hadn’t been able to take back something that perhaps had never belonged to him in the first place, like he couldn’t choose whether to stay next to him or not.

He was gone, he had forsaken him, and of all the times Kamenashi had walked over his dignity, this had been the worst of all.

Yuta would’ve given everything to have him back.

Everything, and now he didn’t doubt, he would’ve accepted any consequence and any rejection, and every time the elder would’ve refused him his love he would’ve been okay with it.

He bit his lip, using up all his will so that he wouldn’t cry, because crying would’ve made that death real, and he wasn’t still ready to accept that.

He closed his eyes, still knowing he wasn’t going to get any sleep, but giving in to twilight and to the fact that yet another day was over, and that he was still alone inside that cold bed.

He called Kame’s number again. He listened to his voice, and smiled.

He always did, after all, when the elder talked to him.

And even though the voice reaching him now was nothing but a ghost of what it had once been, he was okay with it.

He had never had much more of Kazuya anyway, nothing more than a ghost haunting his life, nothing more than a shadow on his steps, without him doing something to get rid of it.

Just, what was different now, was that he missed the ghost’s embrace.

That, he was never going to feel again.

 

_“I love you, Kazu.”_

_“Say that again. I like the sound of it.”_

_“I love you.”_

_Kazuya smiled, kissing his lips gently._

_“Are you staying with me, tonight?”_

_“I shouldn’t. I really should go.”_

_“But you won’t, will you?”_

_Tamamori looked at the elder’s expression, and he saw how he was aware as well of how wrong Yuta’s choice was, but still resolved in doing nothing to help him, letting him hurt himself with his own hands._

_“No.” he replied, whispering. “I don’t want to leave, Kazu.”_

_And he wouldn’t_

_He wished he could never leave._


End file.
